Transcript:
Hello, America! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most somber political blog ever to exist.
Another week, another cause for outrage! Obama has essentially outed himself as a DIY-er! And a communist!
First the executive order giving "amnesty" to those immigrants, and now he announces he wants to end the embargo on Cuba?
It was only put into effect 54 years ago! How could it possibly be outdated? Our Constitution has been around since 1787 and it's stayed exactly--
Oh, I apologize, folks. My producer just informed me that the Constitution has, in fact, been updated with these things called amendments! Who knew? Maybe that's not the best comparison...
But anyway, why go soft on the Commis now?! I mean...it's somewhat truthful that the trade restrictions played a part in keeping Cuba from being capitalist country, but that's not the important thing here. The important thing here is punishing the commi leaders for their terrible ideas. I mean, the leaders are still in power... and the people are poor...and the leaders don't seem to be suffering externally, but I swear, they're dying on the inside! More importantly, we need to prove our constant anti-communist vigilance!
We're America, folks! We don't associate with any type of *shudders* non-capitalist countries.
I apologize again, I've just been informed that we've been associating with Communist China for over 35 years now. and Vietnam for 2 decades.
I need a moment, folks. I'm just devastated because I don't know what we're proving; clearly, we've already let ourselves go! If our McCarthy days were our glory days, we're now the equivalent of that former football star at your high school reunion with a comb-over and a beer belly that still insists he could return the ball 90 yards for a touchdown!
Don't worry, nation! In spite of the fact that even Rand Paul condemned the embargo, there is still some good in the world; our good ol' pal Marco Rubio still shares our outrage. (Pfft, he counts more anyway, cause he's Cuban.)
Sources:
Politico
Charting a New Course on Cuba
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The Spending Bill: Riders, Tigers and Bears, oh my!
Transcript:
Hello, nation! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most dour political blog in the whole of North America.
If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the big government shutdown, you may be disappointed that the budget bill was passed on December 11th with good reason! I mean, who wants the government to run? A government with money is a government that's too big! What better way to get small government than to get rid of it completely?
So, obviously, it's sad that it passed at all, but I'm going to tell you why it's actually great! To all the Ted Cruz-es of the world, get excited! There are plenty of riders that cater almost entirely to you!
There's sneaky additions on almost ALL of the important issues:
Abortion:
You old white guys don't need to worry about federal tax dollars paying for those in D.C. or in prisons! That's wonderful! We all know that when you're incarcerated, you just lose the right to decide what you do with your body! I'm glad they finally started enforcing that!
On the downside, those liberals made sure people can see whether or not healthcare plans cover abortions. Bummer.
Obamacare (aka Satan in policy form):
Its funding wasn't taken away completely, but we got the next best thing! It wasn't given more money! That's a relief. I was extremely worried that the plebeians were going to continue having access to possibly the same level of care as me.
AND they cut the funding for the death panel by $10 million! I might be able to live with this funded-government thing after all!
Preserving the oligarchy:
I have good news for the Kochs among us, too! The amount you can donate to your party's national committee literally increased tenfold!
Right to ruin the environment:
The clean water act doesn't apply to ponds and irrigation ditches! And the EPA's budget was slashed!
Mary Jane:
Marijuana can't be legalized in D.C. for another year! How's that for upholding morality AND causing liberal outrage?!
Don't worry, this wasn't actually a well thought out bi-partisan victory! The liberals made all sorts of great concessions because of how rushed it was! Also, if you're still bummed that there wasn't a shutdown, you only need to countdown to next September.
sources:
what's REALLY in the spending bill
(Low) Riders
Hello, nation! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most dour political blog in the whole of North America.
If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the big government shutdown, you may be disappointed that the budget bill was passed on December 11th with good reason! I mean, who wants the government to run? A government with money is a government that's too big! What better way to get small government than to get rid of it completely?
So, obviously, it's sad that it passed at all, but I'm going to tell you why it's actually great! To all the Ted Cruz-es of the world, get excited! There are plenty of riders that cater almost entirely to you!
There's sneaky additions on almost ALL of the important issues:
Abortion:
You old white guys don't need to worry about federal tax dollars paying for those in D.C. or in prisons! That's wonderful! We all know that when you're incarcerated, you just lose the right to decide what you do with your body! I'm glad they finally started enforcing that!
On the downside, those liberals made sure people can see whether or not healthcare plans cover abortions. Bummer.
Obamacare (aka Satan in policy form):
Its funding wasn't taken away completely, but we got the next best thing! It wasn't given more money! That's a relief. I was extremely worried that the plebeians were going to continue having access to possibly the same level of care as me.
AND they cut the funding for the death panel by $10 million! I might be able to live with this funded-government thing after all!
Preserving the oligarchy:
I have good news for the Kochs among us, too! The amount you can donate to your party's national committee literally increased tenfold!
Right to ruin the environment:
The clean water act doesn't apply to ponds and irrigation ditches! And the EPA's budget was slashed!
Mary Jane:
Marijuana can't be legalized in D.C. for another year! How's that for upholding morality AND causing liberal outrage?!
Don't worry, this wasn't actually a well thought out bi-partisan victory! The liberals made all sorts of great concessions because of how rushed it was! Also, if you're still bummed that there wasn't a shutdown, you only need to countdown to next September.
sources:
what's REALLY in the spending bill
(Low) Riders
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Who are we as Americans? It's a mystery! Thanks, Obama!
If you were to hear one of President Obama's speeches read in another's voice, it would still be distinguishable as his because of his go-to move. He, in the rhetorical equivalent of patting us on our collective back, likes to assure us of our unity by defining who Americans are with vague phrases. Who hasn't had a moment where they were comforted by his saying that We as Americans value values or something of the like?
Recently, Obama, who has basically trademarked the phrase "...who we are as Americans," as a formula for creating his speeches has made a surprising move. He has become so confused as to what our actual identity is now that he's turned to the same methods high school students use on multiple choice questions and finding their identities: the process of elimination. For example: Opposing subsidies for renewable energy is "not who we are." Sorry, oil companies! It appears you aren't true Americans! Same goes for those that don't support hand-outs! He's changing the definition of "true Americans" all willy-nilly!
Formerly, my vision of a true American was a die-hard, salmon-shorts wearing, capitalist, white, male Republican. (One that, like most people, values values, of course.) Now, I'm faced with the terrifying void left by Obama's destruction of that image via his labeling of opposition to renewable energy as non-American. This gap leaves many questions unanswered: In the biggest plot twist in the history of this country, is Obama revealing the artists formerly known as true Americans as illegals in his renouncing their American-ness? If the former True Americans weren't True Americans who were the OG True Americans? Are we stooping so low that we're about to enter a Goth phase?
So, Obama, like many politicians, has a trademark rhetorical device! That he uses in an attempt to unify people! And which he sometimes varies by adding other words! Also, it seems that he encourages points of view that align with his own! None of this would be all that problematic if we weren't so confused about who the True Americans he has repeatedly attempted to unify were. It's all very shocking and confusing, folks! But don't worry, I'm sure all of you True Americans will figure it out. It's who we are as a nation.
Source:
weekly standard
Recently, Obama, who has basically trademarked the phrase "...who we are as Americans," as a formula for creating his speeches has made a surprising move. He has become so confused as to what our actual identity is now that he's turned to the same methods high school students use on multiple choice questions and finding their identities: the process of elimination. For example: Opposing subsidies for renewable energy is "not who we are." Sorry, oil companies! It appears you aren't true Americans! Same goes for those that don't support hand-outs! He's changing the definition of "true Americans" all willy-nilly!
 |
| The artists formerly known as True Americans |
Formerly, my vision of a true American was a die-hard, salmon-shorts wearing, capitalist, white, male Republican. (One that, like most people, values values, of course.) Now, I'm faced with the terrifying void left by Obama's destruction of that image via his labeling of opposition to renewable energy as non-American. This gap leaves many questions unanswered: In the biggest plot twist in the history of this country, is Obama revealing the artists formerly known as true Americans as illegals in his renouncing their American-ness? If the former True Americans weren't True Americans who were the OG True Americans? Are we stooping so low that we're about to enter a Goth phase?
So, Obama, like many politicians, has a trademark rhetorical device! That he uses in an attempt to unify people! And which he sometimes varies by adding other words! Also, it seems that he encourages points of view that align with his own! None of this would be all that problematic if we weren't so confused about who the True Americans he has repeatedly attempted to unify were. It's all very shocking and confusing, folks! But don't worry, I'm sure all of you True Americans will figure it out. It's who we are as a nation.
Source:
weekly standard
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Class Master Elizabeth Lauten Takes Down Malia and Sasha Obama
Class as we know it is forever changed, folks! In the wise words of Countess Luann from one of those shows about rich housewives, "money won't buy you class!" No amount of money could buy the class it takes to hate your opponent so ferociously that you insult their children! Restraint is for plebeians, as is respect!
As for the implications of Lauten's comment that the Obama girls should dress for respect and not a seat at a bar: people, we all know that respectability and being seated at a bar are mutually exclusive! And that the way women dress is by all accounts an indicator of how respectable they are! And that we should judge women based on their attire!
BBC MSNBC
Blocking of Keystone XL Infringes on 'Murican Right to Kill the Planet
The blockage of the Keystone XL pipeline is infringing on our right to destroy the environment, folks! It was all set to transport crude oil sands from Canada, Montana, and North Dakota through Nebraska and other similarly boring places. But no! Then the liberal oligarchy intervened like they knew where Nebraska was before the pipeline! Let's be real! No one cares about Nebraska, not really. This is a political concern! When you think about it, there was really no reason to block it. Never mind that it's difficult to extract. It wouldn't be fun if it were easy! Environmental issues? Liberals are falling back on their “Global Warming” excuses! A wise man once said “Global Warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.”
Even if this warming of the globe weren’t mythical, we wouldn't need to save the planet! Matthew McConaughey is going to find us a new one! And if that doesn't pan out, who cares? We won't be alive then! Just our descendants...but do we really care about them? Children are always "me me me," with their crying and snot and whatnot. What have they done for us lately?
Additionally, we’re losing out on the opportunity to create a LOT of jobs here! Albeit, temporary ones...but what kind of insane person wants to create permanent jobs? If you're a liberal pundit and long-term jobs sound appealing to you: they could even turn into long term jobs because we could be locked into dependence on this oil! I'll give you that!
 |
| Man, kids are gross. Who needs 'em? |
Even if this warming of the globe weren’t mythical, we wouldn't need to save the planet! Matthew McConaughey is going to find us a new one! And if that doesn't pan out, who cares? We won't be alive then! Just our descendants...but do we really care about them? Children are always "me me me," with their crying and snot and whatnot. What have they done for us lately?
Additionally, we’re losing out on the opportunity to create a LOT of jobs here! Albeit, temporary ones...but what kind of insane person wants to create permanent jobs? If you're a liberal pundit and long-term jobs sound appealing to you: they could even turn into long term jobs because we could be locked into dependence on this oil! I'll give you that!
Sources:
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Grubering: The Latest, Greatest Obamacare Scandal
We all know that politicians aren't here to be honest or courteous to the electorate! That's not their job! Why should we expect them to be honest about anything that comes out of their mouths, let alone the laws they pass? Should we expect politicians to not be deceitful or not to assume that Americans won't understand their legislation?! No! Don't be ridiculous! Americans are stupid! They were honest about that, at the very least!
Sources:
Hey, Jonathan Gruber, Mr. Obamacare 'architect' who are you calling stupid?***
"Grubering" definition
#Grubering
"Shut that whole thing down"
Alaskan foreign policy
Binders full of women
***Yes, that's the actual title of the article.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Recap of Slander-athon 2014 (aka the Midterm Elections)
In the words of what I think Oprah would say about the results of the midterm Elections: You get a Republican! And you get a Republican! Check under your seats, America! There, you will find the keys to a new, shiny, four-door, 32 highway miles-per-gallon , Republican!
This midterm win was completely unprecedented. It was LEGENDARY. Did I say it was unprecedented? It's literally the dictionary definition of unprecedented! If you turn to that page in your Merriam-Webster, next to the word "unprecedented," you will find a picture of Mitch McConnell captioned "Turtle face & Co. take the Senate 2014."
It's so in accordance with the definition of "unprecedented" that it has never happened before! It's so unprecedented that there isn't even a term for it!
I'm sorry, America. It seems I need to redact that statement. I've just been notified that there IS a term for this. It's called the "Six Year Itch" and apparently, it's been happening to every two term president since Reconstruction (except Bill Clinton. I guess they valued him & his administration for their transparent, honest, nature. And their capacity for personal loyalty. That too.) Even Supreme Republican Overlord, Ronald Reagan, faced this phenomenon; he lost eight Senate seats and the majority in his second round of midterm elections.
Information on this must be extremely obscure, else reliable news sources like Fox News wouldn't have blown this so out of proportion. (UPDATE: I'm sorry, again, America. I've just received word that this information is mainstream enough to be on Wikipedia.)
Why do the people run from the President, like all of the people up for election did in their campaigns? He's not nearly as terrifying as the masks modeled after his face!
It's because of this simple truth, folks: the grass is always more patriotic on the other side of the fence. Both metaphorically and literally. (Why do you think we have border issues?!)
We always want what we don't have! The Republicans are like that guy you broke up with a few years ago that you start missing, so you break up with your current boyfriend, who has improved your economic situation. (Not that you're a gold digger. All your European friends are jealous, btw.) Immediately afterwards, you call that other guy. (At this point, you haven't remembered that he has egg breath or that he's a 67 year old white guy that says climate change doesn't exist because it gets cold sometimes. Not that you're validating climate change...Supreme Republican Overlord Ronald Reagan would expel you from the party from beyond the grave if you did that!)
So Republicans, in theory, could have won because they spent more money (NOT because they induced hysteria by citing ISIS and Ebola as causes for concern for pasty suburbanites) or because Democrats ran campaigns on the fact that they're not Republicans. But, really, it's because Americans want the best, and the best is whatever we don't have right now. (Side note: Maybe Apple concocted their business plan based on how Americans vote? Just a thought?)
Having 3.5% growth in GDP during the third quarter just didn't cut it, even if it was better than GDP growth in Europe! Who cares about how other countries are doing in comparison to us? A wise woman (possibly my mother) once said: "I don't care how everyone else scored on the test! They're not my children!" Perspective? We don't need that! What do you think this is? An art class?
Our current situation is terrible! ISIS and Ebola are at large! (As are Obama masks!) Let's hope the Republicans (aka Turtle face & Co., aka that old guy you dated a few years ago that has egg breath) will fix our problems! Clearly, they weren't already in the process of being solved!
References:
News sources glaringly ignoring historical context (courtesy of John Stewart)
More Over-Emphasis of the Republican Midterm Win
 |
| "Turtle face & Co. take the Senate 2014." |
It's so in accordance with the definition of "unprecedented" that it has never happened before! It's so unprecedented that there isn't even a term for it!
I'm sorry, America. It seems I need to redact that statement. I've just been notified that there IS a term for this. It's called the "Six Year Itch" and apparently, it's been happening to every two term president since Reconstruction (except Bill Clinton. I guess they valued him & his administration for their transparent, honest, nature. And their capacity for personal loyalty. That too.) Even Supreme Republican Overlord, Ronald Reagan, faced this phenomenon; he lost eight Senate seats and the majority in his second round of midterm elections.
Information on this must be extremely obscure, else reliable news sources like Fox News wouldn't have blown this so out of proportion. (UPDATE: I'm sorry, again, America. I've just received word that this information is mainstream enough to be on Wikipedia.)
 |
| Obama masks sans eyes: terrifying children since whenever. |
It's because of this simple truth, folks: the grass is always more patriotic on the other side of the fence. Both metaphorically and literally. (Why do you think we have border issues?!)
We always want what we don't have! The Republicans are like that guy you broke up with a few years ago that you start missing, so you break up with your current boyfriend, who has improved your economic situation. (Not that you're a gold digger. All your European friends are jealous, btw.) Immediately afterwards, you call that other guy. (At this point, you haven't remembered that he has egg breath or that he's a 67 year old white guy that says climate change doesn't exist because it gets cold sometimes. Not that you're validating climate change...Supreme Republican Overlord Ronald Reagan would expel you from the party from beyond the grave if you did that!)
So Republicans, in theory, could have won because they spent more money (NOT because they induced hysteria by citing ISIS and Ebola as causes for concern for pasty suburbanites) or because Democrats ran campaigns on the fact that they're not Republicans. But, really, it's because Americans want the best, and the best is whatever we don't have right now. (Side note: Maybe Apple concocted their business plan based on how Americans vote? Just a thought?)
Having 3.5% growth in GDP during the third quarter just didn't cut it, even if it was better than GDP growth in Europe! Who cares about how other countries are doing in comparison to us? A wise woman (possibly my mother) once said: "I don't care how everyone else scored on the test! They're not my children!" Perspective? We don't need that! What do you think this is? An art class?
Our current situation is terrible! ISIS and Ebola are at large! (As are Obama masks!) Let's hope the Republicans (aka Turtle face & Co., aka that old guy you dated a few years ago that has egg breath) will fix our problems! Clearly, they weren't already in the process of being solved!
References:
News sources glaringly ignoring historical context (courtesy of John Stewart)
More Over-Emphasis of the Republican Midterm Win
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Slander-athon 2014 (aka the Midterm Election)
Politicians are like boyfriends: they're afraid of commitment. Why should they stick to a position when that means that not everyone will agree with them? Why would the electorate possibly need to know what politicians' political views are? Currently, electing someone is like flipping a coin. You don't know if you'll get the good side or the bad one. But knowing would suck all the fun out the election!
References:
Politicians wearing hard hats:
Tom Wolf (though his is somewhat justified)
Regular ol' smear campaigns:
Tom MacArthur's "Zero"
Tom MacArthur's "Salary"
Tom Corbett taking a courageous stand against revenue
"I'm so great that I don't even need facts to prove it:"
Tom MacArthur "Tired of the Usual Politicians"
Tom Corbett's Brilliant Photoshop skills:
DailyMail
Philly.com article
Corbett gets Colbert-ed
Update: I just noticed that all of the politicians whose ads I linked are named Tom.
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