The Spending Bill: Riders, Tigers and Bears, oh my!

Transcript:

Hello, nation! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most dour political blog in the whole of North America.

If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the big government shutdown, you may be disappointed that the budget bill was passed on December 11th with good reason! I mean, who wants the government to run? A government with money is a government that's too big! What better way to get small government than to get rid of it completely?

So, obviously, it's sad that it passed at all, but I'm going to tell you why it's actually great! To all the Ted Cruz-es of the world, get excited! There are plenty of riders that cater almost entirely to you!

There's sneaky additions on almost ALL of the important issues:

Abortion: 
You old white guys don't need to worry about federal tax dollars paying for those in D.C. or in prisons! That's wonderful! We all know that when you're incarcerated, you just lose the right to decide what you do with your body! I'm glad they finally started enforcing that!

On the downside, those liberals made sure people can see whether or not healthcare plans cover abortions. Bummer.

Obamacare (aka Satan in policy form): 

Its funding wasn't taken away completely, but we got the next best thing! It wasn't given more money! That's a relief. I was extremely worried that the plebeians were going to continue having access to possibly the same level of care as me.

AND they cut the funding for the death panel by $10 million! I might be able to live with this funded-government thing after all!

Preserving the oligarchy:
I have good news for the Kochs among us, too! The amount you can donate to your party's national committee literally increased tenfold!

Right to ruin the environment:
The clean water act doesn't apply to ponds and irrigation ditches! And the EPA's budget was slashed!

Mary Jane:
Marijuana can't be legalized in D.C. for another year! How's that for upholding morality AND causing liberal outrage?!

Don't worry, this wasn't actually a well thought out bi-partisan victory! The liberals made all sorts of great concessions because of how rushed it was! Also, if you're still bummed that there wasn't a shutdown, you only need to countdown to next September.

sources:
what's REALLY in the spending bill
(Low) Riders