Recap of Slander-athon 2014 (aka the Midterm Elections)

In the words of what I think Oprah would say about the results of the midterm Elections: You get a Republican! And you get a Republican! Check under your seats, America! There, you will find the keys to a new, shiny, four-door, 32 highway miles-per-gallon , Republican!

"Turtle face & Co. take the Senate 2014."

This midterm win was completely unprecedented. It was LEGENDARY. Did I say it was unprecedented? It's literally the dictionary definition of unprecedented! If you turn to that page in your Merriam-Webster, next to the word "unprecedented," you will find a picture of Mitch McConnell captioned "Turtle face & Co. take the Senate 2014."

It's so in accordance with the definition of "unprecedented" that it has never happened before! It's so unprecedented that there isn't even a term for it!

I'm sorry, America. It seems I need to redact that statement. I've just been notified that there IS a term for this. It's called the "Six Year Itch" and apparently, it's been happening to every two term president since Reconstruction (except Bill Clinton. I guess they valued him & his administration for their transparent, honest, nature. And their capacity for personal loyalty. That too.) Even Supreme Republican Overlord, Ronald Reagan, faced this phenomenon; he lost eight Senate seats and the majority in his second round of midterm elections.

Information on this must be extremely obscure, else reliable news sources like Fox News wouldn't have blown this so out of proportion. (UPDATE: I'm sorry, again, America. I've just received word that this information is mainstream enough to be on Wikipedia.)

Obama masks sans eyes: terrifying children since whenever.

Why do the people run from the President, like all of the people up for election did in their campaigns? He's not nearly as terrifying as the masks modeled after his face!

It's because of this simple truth, folks: the grass is always more patriotic on the other side of the fence. Both metaphorically and literally. (Why do you think we have border issues?!)

We always want what we don't have! The Republicans are like that guy you broke up with a few years ago that you start missing, so you break up with your current boyfriend, who has improved your economic situation. (Not that you're a gold digger. All your European friends are jealous, btw.) Immediately afterwards, you call that other guy. (At this point, you haven't remembered that he has egg breath or that he's a 67 year old white guy that says climate change doesn't exist because it gets cold sometimes. Not that you're validating climate change...Supreme Republican Overlord Ronald Reagan would expel you from the party from beyond the grave if you did that!)

So Republicans, in theory, could have won because they spent more money (NOT because they induced hysteria by citing ISIS and Ebola as causes for concern for pasty suburbanites) or because Democrats ran campaigns on the fact that they're not Republicans. But, really, it's because Americans want the best, and the best is whatever we don't have right now. (Side note: Maybe Apple concocted their business plan based on how Americans vote? Just a thought?)

Having 3.5% growth in GDP during the third quarter just didn't cut it, even if it was better than GDP growth in Europe! Who cares about how other countries are doing in comparison to us? A wise woman (possibly my mother) once said: "I don't care how everyone else scored on the test! They're not my children!" Perspective? We don't need that! What do you think this is? An art class?

Our current situation is terrible! ISIS and Ebola are at large! (As are Obama masks!) Let's hope the Republicans (aka Turtle face & Co., aka that old guy you dated a few years ago that has egg breath) will fix our problems! Clearly, they weren't already in the process of being solved!

References:

News sources glaringly ignoring historical context (courtesy of John Stewart)
More Over-Emphasis of the Republican Midterm Win