Transcript:
Hello, America! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most somber political blog ever to exist.
Another week, another cause for outrage! Obama has essentially outed himself as a DIY-er! And a communist!
First the executive order giving "amnesty" to those immigrants, and now he announces he wants to end the embargo on Cuba?
It was only put into effect 54 years ago! How could it possibly be outdated? Our Constitution has been around since 1787 and it's stayed exactly--
Oh, I apologize, folks. My producer just informed me that the Constitution has, in fact, been updated with these things called amendments! Who knew? Maybe that's not the best comparison...
But anyway, why go soft on the Commis now?! I mean...it's somewhat truthful that the trade restrictions played a part in keeping Cuba from being capitalist country, but that's not the important thing here. The important thing here is punishing the commi leaders for their terrible ideas. I mean, the leaders are still in power... and the people are poor...and the leaders don't seem to be suffering externally, but I swear, they're dying on the inside! More importantly, we need to prove our constant anti-communist vigilance!
We're America, folks! We don't associate with any type of *shudders* non-capitalist countries.
I apologize again, I've just been informed that we've been associating with Communist China for over 35 years now. and Vietnam for 2 decades.
I need a moment, folks. I'm just devastated because I don't know what we're proving; clearly, we've already let ourselves go! If our McCarthy days were our glory days, we're now the equivalent of that former football star at your high school reunion with a comb-over and a beer belly that still insists he could return the ball 90 yards for a touchdown!
Don't worry, nation! In spite of the fact that even Rand Paul condemned the embargo, there is still some good in the world; our good ol' pal Marco Rubio still shares our outrage. (Pfft, he counts more anyway, cause he's Cuban.)
Sources:
Politico
Charting a New Course on Cuba
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The Spending Bill: Riders, Tigers and Bears, oh my!
Transcript:
Hello, nation! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most dour political blog in the whole of North America.
If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the big government shutdown, you may be disappointed that the budget bill was passed on December 11th with good reason! I mean, who wants the government to run? A government with money is a government that's too big! What better way to get small government than to get rid of it completely?
So, obviously, it's sad that it passed at all, but I'm going to tell you why it's actually great! To all the Ted Cruz-es of the world, get excited! There are plenty of riders that cater almost entirely to you!
There's sneaky additions on almost ALL of the important issues:
Abortion:
You old white guys don't need to worry about federal tax dollars paying for those in D.C. or in prisons! That's wonderful! We all know that when you're incarcerated, you just lose the right to decide what you do with your body! I'm glad they finally started enforcing that!
On the downside, those liberals made sure people can see whether or not healthcare plans cover abortions. Bummer.
Obamacare (aka Satan in policy form):
Its funding wasn't taken away completely, but we got the next best thing! It wasn't given more money! That's a relief. I was extremely worried that the plebeians were going to continue having access to possibly the same level of care as me.
AND they cut the funding for the death panel by $10 million! I might be able to live with this funded-government thing after all!
Preserving the oligarchy:
I have good news for the Kochs among us, too! The amount you can donate to your party's national committee literally increased tenfold!
Right to ruin the environment:
The clean water act doesn't apply to ponds and irrigation ditches! And the EPA's budget was slashed!
Mary Jane:
Marijuana can't be legalized in D.C. for another year! How's that for upholding morality AND causing liberal outrage?!
Don't worry, this wasn't actually a well thought out bi-partisan victory! The liberals made all sorts of great concessions because of how rushed it was! Also, if you're still bummed that there wasn't a shutdown, you only need to countdown to next September.
sources:
what's REALLY in the spending bill
(Low) Riders
Hello, nation! I'm Veronica and this is The Elephant in the Room, the most dour political blog in the whole of North America.
If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the big government shutdown, you may be disappointed that the budget bill was passed on December 11th with good reason! I mean, who wants the government to run? A government with money is a government that's too big! What better way to get small government than to get rid of it completely?
So, obviously, it's sad that it passed at all, but I'm going to tell you why it's actually great! To all the Ted Cruz-es of the world, get excited! There are plenty of riders that cater almost entirely to you!
There's sneaky additions on almost ALL of the important issues:
Abortion:
You old white guys don't need to worry about federal tax dollars paying for those in D.C. or in prisons! That's wonderful! We all know that when you're incarcerated, you just lose the right to decide what you do with your body! I'm glad they finally started enforcing that!
On the downside, those liberals made sure people can see whether or not healthcare plans cover abortions. Bummer.
Obamacare (aka Satan in policy form):
Its funding wasn't taken away completely, but we got the next best thing! It wasn't given more money! That's a relief. I was extremely worried that the plebeians were going to continue having access to possibly the same level of care as me.
AND they cut the funding for the death panel by $10 million! I might be able to live with this funded-government thing after all!
Preserving the oligarchy:
I have good news for the Kochs among us, too! The amount you can donate to your party's national committee literally increased tenfold!
Right to ruin the environment:
The clean water act doesn't apply to ponds and irrigation ditches! And the EPA's budget was slashed!
Mary Jane:
Marijuana can't be legalized in D.C. for another year! How's that for upholding morality AND causing liberal outrage?!
Don't worry, this wasn't actually a well thought out bi-partisan victory! The liberals made all sorts of great concessions because of how rushed it was! Also, if you're still bummed that there wasn't a shutdown, you only need to countdown to next September.
sources:
what's REALLY in the spending bill
(Low) Riders
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Who are we as Americans? It's a mystery! Thanks, Obama!
If you were to hear one of President Obama's speeches read in another's voice, it would still be distinguishable as his because of his go-to move. He, in the rhetorical equivalent of patting us on our collective back, likes to assure us of our unity by defining who Americans are with vague phrases. Who hasn't had a moment where they were comforted by his saying that We as Americans value values or something of the like?
Recently, Obama, who has basically trademarked the phrase "...who we are as Americans," as a formula for creating his speeches has made a surprising move. He has become so confused as to what our actual identity is now that he's turned to the same methods high school students use on multiple choice questions and finding their identities: the process of elimination. For example: Opposing subsidies for renewable energy is "not who we are." Sorry, oil companies! It appears you aren't true Americans! Same goes for those that don't support hand-outs! He's changing the definition of "true Americans" all willy-nilly!
Formerly, my vision of a true American was a die-hard, salmon-shorts wearing, capitalist, white, male Republican. (One that, like most people, values values, of course.) Now, I'm faced with the terrifying void left by Obama's destruction of that image via his labeling of opposition to renewable energy as non-American. This gap leaves many questions unanswered: In the biggest plot twist in the history of this country, is Obama revealing the artists formerly known as true Americans as illegals in his renouncing their American-ness? If the former True Americans weren't True Americans who were the OG True Americans? Are we stooping so low that we're about to enter a Goth phase?
So, Obama, like many politicians, has a trademark rhetorical device! That he uses in an attempt to unify people! And which he sometimes varies by adding other words! Also, it seems that he encourages points of view that align with his own! None of this would be all that problematic if we weren't so confused about who the True Americans he has repeatedly attempted to unify were. It's all very shocking and confusing, folks! But don't worry, I'm sure all of you True Americans will figure it out. It's who we are as a nation.
Source:
weekly standard
Recently, Obama, who has basically trademarked the phrase "...who we are as Americans," as a formula for creating his speeches has made a surprising move. He has become so confused as to what our actual identity is now that he's turned to the same methods high school students use on multiple choice questions and finding their identities: the process of elimination. For example: Opposing subsidies for renewable energy is "not who we are." Sorry, oil companies! It appears you aren't true Americans! Same goes for those that don't support hand-outs! He's changing the definition of "true Americans" all willy-nilly!
 |
| The artists formerly known as True Americans |
Formerly, my vision of a true American was a die-hard, salmon-shorts wearing, capitalist, white, male Republican. (One that, like most people, values values, of course.) Now, I'm faced with the terrifying void left by Obama's destruction of that image via his labeling of opposition to renewable energy as non-American. This gap leaves many questions unanswered: In the biggest plot twist in the history of this country, is Obama revealing the artists formerly known as true Americans as illegals in his renouncing their American-ness? If the former True Americans weren't True Americans who were the OG True Americans? Are we stooping so low that we're about to enter a Goth phase?
So, Obama, like many politicians, has a trademark rhetorical device! That he uses in an attempt to unify people! And which he sometimes varies by adding other words! Also, it seems that he encourages points of view that align with his own! None of this would be all that problematic if we weren't so confused about who the True Americans he has repeatedly attempted to unify were. It's all very shocking and confusing, folks! But don't worry, I'm sure all of you True Americans will figure it out. It's who we are as a nation.
Source:
weekly standard
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